The Language Alchemy Podcast

63. Want More Satisfying Relationships?

“When life and relationships are frustrating, usually, it’s because there's some kind of communication breakdown,” explains host Alejandra, a transformative communication coach. Although it’s easier said than done, Alejandra understands that we all want satisfying relationships. In today’s episode, Alejandra provides simple and effective advice for building healthier, more joyous connections with others.
Often when we refer to issues in our relationships, we frame them with external factors and an expectation for the other person to change, a thought pattern from our childhoods. Instead, we need to observe our behavior and assess whether we are the ones leading the relationship to our own dissatisfaction. After all, relationships are a two-way street, and it’s up to us to create the bonds we want.
Now that we’re mature adults, we can lead to more fulfilling relationships. Learn more about the physical toll of unhealthy relationships, the origins of relational language, and tips for improving your overall communication.
Quotes
• “When you are having lots of dissatisfying relationships, your nervous system is not the only one affected.” (1:40-1:47 | Alejandra)
• “When life and relationships are frustrating, usually, it’s because there's some kind of communication breakdown.” (4:13-4:19 | Alejandra)
• “Since communication and relationships are a two-way street, we are the ones that need to know how we are communicating and behaving, creating dissatisfaction for us in our relationships.” (11:16-11:31| Alejandra)
• “We are the ones that need to know what about our communication we need to change so that we can have more mature and satisfying relationships, having that kind of expectation, placing our attention on how we are communicating that's giving us the kind of relationships we're having. Well, now that's really going to help you have more of the relationships that you want and less of the relationships that you don't want.” (11:37-12:16 Alejandra)
• “We're always communicating, but we're not always aware of how we communicate until there's a problem with it.” (14:21-14:29 Alejandra)
• “You need to learn to shift your expectations and your attention. You need to learn to notice how you are communicating or not communicating, bringing you a sense of dissatisfaction in your relationships.” (14:40-14:53 Alejandra)
Links
To sign up for the free workshop Healthy Relationships at Home and Work: How to avoid the 3 most common communication mistakes, visit: languagealchemy.com/workshop
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To download the 5 Steps to Redirect Your Reactivity Guide, visit: languagealchemy.com/5steps
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

62. The Gifts of Anger

“When you communicate any feeling skillfully, it is because you have been able to connect to its gifts,” explains host Alejandra. Although anger is a complex emotion to experience, there are many rewards for successfully communicating it. Today, Alejandra lays out how to adequately express this feeling and better understand our needs as a result.
Often when we feel anger, we do not reflect on the messages this emotion is trying to tell us. However, if we take a beat to understand this feeling, we can determine our desires that are currently being unfulfilled. Whether we long for peace, safety, or autonomy, if we listen to our anger, we can become conscious of what we need to do to move forward.
If we communicate our anger skillfully, we can benefit from its gifts. Learn more about the deeper yearnings behind anger, why we should evaluate our reactive tendencies, and how to gain the benefits of clarity.
Quotes
• “When you communicate any feeling skillfully, it is because you have been able to connect to its gifts.” (1:35-1:42 | Alejandra)
• “If we use the analogy of a tree, your thoughts are the leaves. Your feelings are like the branches that are held by something deeper. The roots of feelings are its gifts.” (2:32-2:44 | Alejandra)
• “Sometimes anger is pointing to what your heart is yearning for, such as love, appreciation, collaboration. Other times, you will find that anger is clearly asking you to attend to needs such as respect, equality, consideration, or safety. I noticed that in certain situations, when I feel angry, I long for reciprocity of care, yet sometimes when I feel angry, I need space and autonomy. And in other circumstances, I want equality, peace, or an end to suffering for all. Once you become clear about what your needs or values are, you can make conscious decisions to take steps towards fulfilling them.” (3:05-3:53 | Alejandra)
• “One of the gifts of anger is clarity. Anger lets you see what's important for you to talk about or what action you need to take.” (7:10-7:22 | Alejandra)
• “Next time you feel angry, feel the feeling, and then learn to do the alchemical work of distilling anger until you can experience either or both gifts of clarity and strength.” (10:40-10:56 | Alejandra)
Links
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Pattern quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To download the 5 Steps to Redirect Your Reactivity Guide, visit: languagealchemy.com/5steps
To download the 5 Steps to Redirect Your Reactivity Guide, visit: languagealchemy.com/5steps
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

61. Communicating Anger Skillfully

“It's possible to learn to communicate anger more skillfully,” explains host Alejandra. Anger, in particular, can be an intense feeling to experience and a challenging one to communicate. On today’s episode of the Language Alchemy Podcast, Alejandra will provide helpful tools for communicating anger with greater awareness and skill.
There are many misconceptions about anger, including believing that this anger equates to violence, aggression, or hostility. As a result, we tend to communicate our reactions, rather than the feeling of anger. If we can learn to put aside our reactionary tendencies and convey our true feeling, we can have an easier time communicating it.
Although tensions may be high in the world today, there are healthy ways to communicate displeasure. Learn more about healthy ways to express yourself, the models of anger you may have received during childhood, and why we do not need to feel ashamed for feeling angry.
Quotes
• “It's possible to learn to communicate anger more skillfully.” (1:40-1:43 | Alejandra)
• “It is possible to communicate when you feel angry skillfully. And yes, it is okay to communicate while you are experiencing anger.” (2:53-3:03 | Alejandra)
• “Sometimes what we learned to call anger is not anger, but an expression of violence, aggression, or hostility.” (9:41-9:52 | Alejandra)
• “If you want to communicate anger skillfully, you need to learn to have the feeling of anger without the reaction of hostility, aggression, or violence.” (11:10-11:20 | Alejandra)
• “If you want to communicate anger skillfully, leave the reaction aside and just communicate what's going on with you on the inside.” (14:45-14:54 | Alejandra)
Links
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To download the 5 Steps to Redirect Your Reactivity Guide, visit:
languagealchemy.com/5steps
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

60. Emotional Autonomy and Healthy Relationships. Communicating Feelings Part 6

“One of the fundamental Language Alchemy principles is that our words create our worlds,” explains host Alejandra. It’s part six of the “Communicating Feelings” series and the last episode about this topic. For the final lesson, Alejandra details how to have emotional autonomy and healthy relationships.
In our relationships, we often believe that the other person is causing us to feel a certain way, whether good or bad. This attitude creates an unequal balance and gives our loved ones too much authority over our lives. By owning our emotions and labeling the situation rather than the person, we can create healthier dynamics with the people around us.
Although it may seem complicated, you can choose how to communicate your feelings and have non-toxic relationships. Learn more about what inspired the “Communicating Feelings” series, demonstrating emotional agency and dealing with co-dependent relationships.
Quotes
• “One of the fundamental Language Alchemy principles is that our words create our worlds.” (4:04-4:11| Alejandra)
• “Our language shapes our experiences, our lives, and our relationships.” (6:37-6:43| Alejandra)
• “As I shared in previous episodes of the series because we constantly have feelings, we use our language to communicate our feelings. But do we use it in a way that communicates emotional autonomy or emotional agency and therefore creates healthy and mature relationships? In my experience, not yet. The way we usually communicate about feelings in the English language does not really convey emotional autonomy or agency, and therefore, it doesn't create healthy and mature relationships. In fact, we tend to communicate feelings in a way that creates codependent relationships.” (7:09-7:51| Alejandra)
• “You can use your language to communicate your feelings in a way that that you have emotional autonomy, emotional agency and that your relationship is healthy and mature, no matter what feelings you're experiencing and communicating.” (13:30-13:47| Alejandra)
• “You are the author and agent of your feelings.” (14:01-14:05| Alejandra)
• “As you communicate your feelings, you get to choose how to express them based on the kind of relationships you want to create.” (15:49-16:02| Alejandra)
Links
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

59. Communicate Feelings Mindfully. Communicating Feelings Part 5

“Notice how you use the word “feel” when communicating because your words create your world. So what kind of world do you want to create?” explains host Alejandra. Often, we use the word “feel” to express a thought rather than an emotion. In part five of the “Communicating Feelings” series, Alejandra provides tips for using emotional language to improve self-expression and communication.
We tend to use the word “feel” when we want to express a thought, such as seeking an opinion or agreement, or disagreement from others. Instead, Alejandra suggests following the word feel with a feeling word to help ourselves and loved ones communicate our feelings more accurately.
Although challenging, there are ways to communicate your feelings mindfully and clearly. Learn more about the difference between thoughts and emotions, how to use emotional language, and ways to deepen connection with others.
Quotes
• “Notice how you use the word “feel” when communicating because your words create your world. So what kind of world do you want to create?” (6:59-7:08 | Alejandra)
• “When I use emotional language, we take the interaction to a deeper, more meaningful, more connecting level.” (9:52-10:03 | Alejandra)
• “When we let others see our inner world, others have empathy for us. They're more able to put themselves in our shoes because they've also had those same feelings at some point in their lives.” (10:22-10:35 | Alejandra)
• “When we can connect at a feeling level, we're able to talk about our needs, values, longings, and vision. And when we do that, we create a world of support, collaboration, and love.” (10:36-10:51 | Alejandra)
Links
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
To ask a question or request a topic for the Language Alchemy Podcast, visit: www.languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow:
open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

58. How Are Your Relationships Impacted When You Don’t Communicate Your Feelings? Communicating Feelings Part 4

“I find that the people who feel the most disconnected are the people who have the least access to their feelings,” explains host Alejandra. When you don’t communicate your feelings, it can negatively impact your relationships. Alejandra provides valuable tools to promote healthier dynamics in part four of her “Communicating Feelings” series.
When we feel isolated and disconnected from others, it may be challenging to open up about our true feelings. When we cannot share, it becomes difficult for our friends and family to know how to give us what we need. By letting our loved ones hear about our day and listening more when they speak, we can find a much-needed sense of belonging and become closer to the people around us.
Improving your emotional communication skills is possible if you would like to better connect to others. Learn more about the effects of the pandemic, letting loved ones into our inner world, and how to become better listeners.
Quotes
• “One of the impacts of not talking about our feelings is that others don't know what's happening with us. And if others don't know what's going on with us, then they don't know if there's anything we need or are likely to make assumptions about how we are and act accordingly.” (5:18-5:37 | Alejandra)
• “So if you are now aware that you're not communicating your feelings to others, especially if these others are the most important people in your life, then you're not letting others know about your needs. And others are likely to make assumptions about you, assumptions about your feelings, assumptions about your needs, assumptions that may be far away from your reality.” (5:39-6:06 | Alejandra)
• “I find that the people who feel the most disconnected are the people who have the least access to their feelings.” (6:41-6:49 | Alejandra)
• “If you want to have intimacy, if you want a meaningful sense of connection with another human being, then you need to be able to invite the other person into your inner experience.” (8:11-8:22 | Alejandra)
• “Sharing about your inner life, communicating your feelings, this is what contributes to meaningful relationships.” (9:44-9:51 | Alejandra)
• “What we do when we don't communicate our feelings is that we don't know how to listen to others when they tell us about their feelings.” (10:21-10:30 | Alejandra)
Links
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit:
languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow:
open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

57. 4 Common Reactions to Uncomfortable Feelings. Communicating Feelings Part 3

“From the Language Alchemy perspective, all feelings have their usefulness,” explains host Alejandra. Alejandra understands why we have specific reactions to uncomfortable feelings. In part three of her “Communicating Feelings” series, Alejandra teaches how to deal with these reactions and communicate effectively.
Everyone has certain feelings they are more comfortable expressing than others. Some have no difficulty communicating sadness but may struggle to share joy and vice versa. Often, we can feel triggered by others who experience the feeling we push down and intolerant with those around us who express that emotion. With Alejandra’s tools and tips, we can learn that all feelings are valid and become empathetic to ourselves and others.
Although challenging, we can learn to react healthily to our complex emotions. Learn more about why emotions shouldn’t be negative or positive, how we suppress uneasy feelings, and the transformative power of labeling your experience.
Quotes
• “From the Language Alchemy perspective, all feelings have their usefulness. They all carry messages about our internal experience.” (2:58-3:06 | Alejandra)
• “Every time you take action to know yourself at a deeper level, you have the opportunity to be more authentic, not only with yourself but also with others, especially when you communicate with them.” (5:37-5:50 | Alejandra)
• “When our reaction is to fight with our uncomfortable feelings, and we see that others have that feeling we don't like, then we tell the others not to have that feeling. And sometimes we shame them.” (11:35-11:50 | Alejandra)
• “The language you use to label your experience has transformative power.” (13:19-13:25 | Alejandra)
• “If you say, “I don't know how to feel this feeling, I don't know how to communicate this feeling, and I would like to learn,” then you'll start aligning your experience with the desire to feel that feeling. The more you align yourself with this desire, the less uncomfortable this feeling will become. And in time, you will learn how to communicate it skillfully.” (13:58-14:25 | Alejandra)
Links
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit:
languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow:
open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

56. Why Is It Hard to Communicate Feelings? Communicating Feelings Part 2

“It's easy to communicate what we have learned to communicate,” explains host Alejandra. Alejandra has seen how difficult it is to communicate feelings throughout her career as a transformative communication teacher and coach. In part two of her “Communicating Feelings” series, Alejandra provides helpful tools that positively allow self-expression.
Our teachers and parents were our primary communication influences when we were children. And we often learned evaluative communication skills but not much about communicating our emotional state. Ultimately, whatever we were taught when we were kids shapes our adult lives, but with practice, we can connect to our internal experience
Tune into this week’s episode of Language Alchemy Podcast for an empathetic conversation on the challenges of expressing feelings. Learn more about why it’s easier to communicate what you think versus how you feel, how culture influences communication, and actions you can take to connect to this area of your life.
Quotes
• “It's easy to communicate when we have learned to communicate. It's easy to communicate when we’ve had a lot of practice communicating.” (2:27-2:35 | Alejandra)
• “One of the reasons why it's so difficult to communicate feelings is because you were not taught how to.” (6:26-6:32 | Alejandra)
• “If you don't know how to connect with the emotional aspect of yourself, please understand that this is normal. You are perfectly normal because you communicate what you learned to communicate.” (9:36-9:51 | Alejandra)
• “Depending on what feelings were accepted in your culture and layers of culture, you may have more ease communicating some feelings, but not others.” (12:18-12:26 | Alejandra)
• “I had to learn to communicate my feelings too. So I know that if I could do it, you can too.” (16:15-16:22 | Alejandra)
Links
To participate in the podcast anniversary celebration and raffle, click here: languagealchemy.com/podcastanniversary
To join the mailing list, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

55. Your Internal Communication System. Communicating Feelings Part 1

“If you find it hard to talk about your feelings and communicate, you're not alone,” says host Alejandra. As a transformative communication teacher and coach, Alejandra knows that discussing your feelings is challenging. In part one of her internal communication series, Alejandra provides helpful tips for effectively sharing with others.
Through tangible examples and inquiry exercises, Alejandra defines what feelings genuinely are and how we experience them in our bodies. By connecting to our internal communication system, we can understand what we’re really experiencing to prevent miscommunication. Ultimately, we must listen to the messages our feelings tell us to understand better how we are and how to move forward.
Tune into this week’s episode of the Language Alchemy podcast for a thoughtful conversation on communicating your feelings. Learn more about what feelings are, the layers of our experience, and how to listen to your internal communication system.
Quotes
• “If you find it hard to talk about your feelings and communicate, you're not alone.” (1:17-1:24 | Alejandra)
• “Feelings are messengers that communicate to us something important about our experience.” (6:42-6:49 | Alejandra)
• “Feelings are a fundamental aspect of our internal communication system. And when we don't pay attention to them, we're having an internal miscommunication.” (6:59-7:11 | Alejandra)
• “When you are aware of what your feelings are communicating to you, you can discover your unconscious biases and beliefs. You can uncover your precious needs. You can contact your core values, deep longings, qualities, and capacities, and you can turn them into skillful actions.” (8:37-8:58 | Alejandra)
• “If you are the kind of person who's trying to optimize or upgrade your operating system without understanding your feelings, each upgrade will present more bugs and glitches.” (9:10-9:22 | Alejandra)
Links
To participate in the podcast anniversary celebration and raffle, click here:
languagealchemy.com/podcastanniversary
To join the mailing list, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow:
open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

54. Building Your Communication Toolbox in 7 Steps

“You don’t have to be a therapist, a coach, or a leader, you can just be a caring human,” Alejandra says of anyone using the many tools in her communication toolbox. True, a few of the seven listeners featured, who recently called in to comment on the way they approach Alejandra’s content and how it’s helped them, are actual therapists. Ellen, Alejandra’s “mother-in-love,” remarks upon the divine timing of Alejandra’s chosen topics, and she used many of the tools in a recent session with her own client. Shannon acts as a conduit for Alejandra’s message, turning others on to the podcast. Rebecca demonstrates the importance of recognizing your communication needs and choosing among the resources accordingly, while Karen gains insight into different communication methods just from reading the titles of the podcasts.
Alejandra follows up each example with a takeaway and a summary of what we can learn from each listener’s approach to the podcast, and how the tools presented in each podcast can be optimally incorporated into our own lives.
Join Alejandra to hear how you can be entered into a raffle to win prizes, including a private coaching session with Alejandra, and to receive a bonus at the end of the episode.
Quotes
• “To connect to your needs, you can ask yourself, ‘What’s happening in my life and relationships right now, and how can I enhance, heal, and support my life and relationships?” (3:37-3:49 | Alejandra)
• “Alejandra, I just really want to thank you so much for this work that you’re doing. It’s incredibly important to reach as many people as you are to raise the consciousness of how we communicate with each other.” (4:19-4:36 | Karen)
• “The fact that your episodes are shorter and more accessible really makes that barrier to people getting into what you have to share a lot easier.” (9:48-10:00 | Shannon)
• “Another way you can use this podcast to build your transformative communication toolbox is by subscribing to it every week, listening to it every week, so every week you’re picking up tools and letting these tools integrate with you so much so that when the moment comes you can mix and match them and support others in their communication.” (8:02-8:24 | Alejandra) 
• “When we transform the way we communicate, we transform our lives and relationships.” (11:39-11:45 | Alejandra)
Links
To participate in the podcast anniversary celebration and raffle, click here:
languagealchemy.com/podcastanniversary
To join the mailing list, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow:
open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm