The Language Alchemy Podcast

66. When Things Are Hard

“When things are hard, I learned to use observational language in my internal dialogue,” explains host Alejandra. As a transformative communication teacher, Alejandra understands that it’s human to feel triggered by challenging interactions. Instead of disconnecting from uncomfortable situations, Alejandra gives tips for when conversations become hard.
Through exploring her personal experiences, Alejandra demonstrates how common it is to have awkward or upsetting interactions. We may act angry, embarrassed, or simply want to run away. To stray away from unhelpful reactive habits, Alejandra recommends connecting to our bodies and determining what actions we want to take that align with our values.
Even when things are difficult, we should still practice mindful communication. Learn more about moving past defensive reactions, dealing with uncomfortable social situations, and the benefits of using observational language.
Quotes
• “When I faced hard things, hard interactions and conversations, not only did I not know how to communicate skillfully with a person with whom I had that difficult experience, but also, I didn't know how to not get taken over by the intensity of feelings, and stories I would make up in my mind in my internal dialogue. And then inevitably, habitually, the decision would be the same. And that decision was to disconnect, disconnect from everything from the other person and also disconnect from me by trying to do something that would offer me some kind of distraction from this difficult interaction.” (5:37-6:25 | Alejandra)
• “When things are hard, I learned to use observational language in my internal dialogue.” (9:27-9:33 | Alejandra)
• “Observational language allows me to consider the situation with clarity and neutrality. When I don't use observational language in my internal dialogue to recall what's hard, it's much easier to get hooked by reactive communication habits.” (9:59-10:17 | Alejandra)
• “The more I connect to my values, the more I can connect my capacity to show up as an adult and choose to take skillful action based on my values.” (12:28-12:42 | Alejandra)
• “Transformative communication does take work. But before we can take on all this work of transformative communication, we need to tap into a sense of openness and humility to learn.” (15:19-15:36 | Alejandra)
Links
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

65. 4 Indicators You Have a True Sense of Connection in Your Relationships

“When there's a true sense of connection in your relationships, you can offer feedback with transparency,” explains host Alejandra. Over the past few weeks, Alejandra has discussed building healthy relationship dynamics and given tools on how to do so. Today, she gives pointers for you to detect if your relationships have a genuine connection through her background as a transformative communication coach.
Through real-life examples, Alejandra demonstrates what to look for when determining if you have authentic connections with others. A relationship requires trust that you can share your feelings and thoughts without fear of an adverse reaction. Everyone needs to feel like they can be themselves, and recognizing the importance of open communication is vital to a connected relationship. Ultimately, you should feel warmth around the other person, even if an inevitable conflict arises.
Through four simple indicators, you can sense if you have a true connection in your relationships. Learn more about the importance of emotional safety, respecting other people’s communication styles, and how all connected relationships allow for transparency.
Quotes
• “In my years helping people with our communication, I've seen again and again that to have a true sense of connection in your relationships, you need to have four main indicators. Number one, there needs to be a sense of emotional safety. That is to say that you and the other person feel completely free to share with one another what you think, how you feel, and what you value. And you feel free because both of you know that you're not going to be judged by the other and that you're both going to listen to each other.” (2:17-2:56 | Alejandra)
• “There are different ways of being, and all ways of being are an expression of being human.” (5:41-5:58 | Alejandra)
• “When you have a true sense of connection, not only do you feel more connected to yourself or the other person, but also to what you are doing together.” (7:18-7:28 | Alejandra)
• “When there's a true sense of connection in your relationships, you can offer feedback with transparency. And you can also receive feedback with openness from the other person.” (10:17-10:30 | Alejandra)
• “When you have a true sense of connection, you are willing, you are open to listening to their feedback, you can reflect on what you hear, and then you can let the other person know what you concluded from your reflection.” (10:31-10:48 | Alejandra)
Links
To sign up for 6-week online course Choosing True Connection: Learning to Listen Without Losing Your Cool, Taking It Personally or Giving Up Who You Truly Are, visit: languagealchemy.com/enroll
To sign up for the free workshop Healthy Relationships at Home and Work: How to avoid the 3 most common communication mistakes, visit: languagealchemy.com/workshop
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

64. 5 Signs It’s Time to Shift your Relationship Dynamics

“When we are in a relationship, the combination of patterns that each member of their relationship brings forms a dynamic,” explains host Alejandra. When we experience difficulties in our relationships, we may be tempted to end them. Before doing something drastic, Alejandra lays out tangible tactics for improving challenging relationships.
Through various examples of her real-life students, Alejandra breaks down the five signs that your relationship dynamics need to change. It’s common to believe that you give more to a relationship than others or struggle to engage. Instead of blaming the people around you, evaluate how you are showing up in that relationship. In doing so, learning to cultivate the relationships you deserve is possible.
It may not be easy, but sometimes shifting your relationships is necessary. Learn more about detecting unhealthy communication patterns, ways to connect with others, and how to improve your internal dialogue.
Quotes
• “When we are in a relationship, the combination of patterns that each member of their relationship brings forms a dynamic.” (3:30-3:30 | Alejandra)
• “You must look into why you avoid engaging with the other person. Most likely, what you will find is that there's something in your relationship dynamic that needs to change.” (6:37-6:51 | Alejandra)
• “If you notice that you don't know how to connect with others, and therefore you think that you don't know how to belong, that is a sign that you need to shift the kinds of dynamics you have in your relationships.” (8:20-8:35 | Alejandra)
• “We're talking shifting a relationship dynamic. And to do that, you must clarify how you are showing up in the relationship. Because if you don't know how you are showing up, you will not know how to shift your communication or behavior and have the kind of satisfying relationships you deserve.” (14:05-14:30 | Alejandra)
Links
To sign up for the free workshop Healthy Relationships at Home and Work: How to avoid the 3 most common communication mistakes, visit: languagealchemy.com/workshop
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

63. Want More Satisfying Relationships?

“When life and relationships are frustrating, usually, it’s because there's some kind of communication breakdown,” explains host Alejandra, a transformative communication coach. Although it’s easier said than done, Alejandra understands that we all want satisfying relationships. In today’s episode, Alejandra provides simple and effective advice for building healthier, more joyous connections with others.
Often when we refer to issues in our relationships, we frame them with external factors and an expectation for the other person to change, a thought pattern from our childhoods. Instead, we need to observe our behavior and assess whether we are the ones leading the relationship to our own dissatisfaction. After all, relationships are a two-way street, and it’s up to us to create the bonds we want.
Now that we’re mature adults, we can lead to more fulfilling relationships. Learn more about the physical toll of unhealthy relationships, the origins of relational language, and tips for improving your overall communication.
Quotes
• “When you are having lots of dissatisfying relationships, your nervous system is not the only one affected.” (1:40-1:47 | Alejandra)
• “When life and relationships are frustrating, usually, it’s because there's some kind of communication breakdown.” (4:13-4:19 | Alejandra)
• “Since communication and relationships are a two-way street, we are the ones that need to know how we are communicating and behaving, creating dissatisfaction for us in our relationships.” (11:16-11:31| Alejandra)
• “We are the ones that need to know what about our communication we need to change so that we can have more mature and satisfying relationships, having that kind of expectation, placing our attention on how we are communicating that's giving us the kind of relationships we're having. Well, now that's really going to help you have more of the relationships that you want and less of the relationships that you don't want.” (11:37-12:16 Alejandra)
• “We're always communicating, but we're not always aware of how we communicate until there's a problem with it.” (14:21-14:29 Alejandra)
• “You need to learn to shift your expectations and your attention. You need to learn to notice how you are communicating or not communicating, bringing you a sense of dissatisfaction in your relationships.” (14:40-14:53 Alejandra)
Links
To sign up for the free workshop Healthy Relationships at Home and Work: How to avoid the 3 most common communication mistakes, visit: languagealchemy.com/workshop
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To download the 5 Steps to Redirect Your Reactivity Guide, visit: languagealchemy.com/5steps
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

62. The Gifts of Anger

“When you communicate any feeling skillfully, it is because you have been able to connect to its gifts,” explains host Alejandra. Although anger is a complex emotion to experience, there are many rewards for successfully communicating it. Today, Alejandra lays out how to adequately express this feeling and better understand our needs as a result.
Often when we feel anger, we do not reflect on the messages this emotion is trying to tell us. However, if we take a beat to understand this feeling, we can determine our desires that are currently being unfulfilled. Whether we long for peace, safety, or autonomy, if we listen to our anger, we can become conscious of what we need to do to move forward.
If we communicate our anger skillfully, we can benefit from its gifts. Learn more about the deeper yearnings behind anger, why we should evaluate our reactive tendencies, and how to gain the benefits of clarity.
Quotes
• “When you communicate any feeling skillfully, it is because you have been able to connect to its gifts.” (1:35-1:42 | Alejandra)
• “If we use the analogy of a tree, your thoughts are the leaves. Your feelings are like the branches that are held by something deeper. The roots of feelings are its gifts.” (2:32-2:44 | Alejandra)
• “Sometimes anger is pointing to what your heart is yearning for, such as love, appreciation, collaboration. Other times, you will find that anger is clearly asking you to attend to needs such as respect, equality, consideration, or safety. I noticed that in certain situations, when I feel angry, I long for reciprocity of care, yet sometimes when I feel angry, I need space and autonomy. And in other circumstances, I want equality, peace, or an end to suffering for all. Once you become clear about what your needs or values are, you can make conscious decisions to take steps towards fulfilling them.” (3:05-3:53 | Alejandra)
• “One of the gifts of anger is clarity. Anger lets you see what's important for you to talk about or what action you need to take.” (7:10-7:22 | Alejandra)
• “Next time you feel angry, feel the feeling, and then learn to do the alchemical work of distilling anger until you can experience either or both gifts of clarity and strength.” (10:40-10:56 | Alejandra)
Links
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Pattern quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To download the 5 Steps to Redirect Your Reactivity Guide, visit: languagealchemy.com/5steps
To download the 5 Steps to Redirect Your Reactivity Guide, visit: languagealchemy.com/5steps
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

61. Communicating Anger Skillfully

“It's possible to learn to communicate anger more skillfully,” explains host Alejandra. Anger, in particular, can be an intense feeling to experience and a challenging one to communicate. On today’s episode of the Language Alchemy Podcast, Alejandra will provide helpful tools for communicating anger with greater awareness and skill.
There are many misconceptions about anger, including believing that this anger equates to violence, aggression, or hostility. As a result, we tend to communicate our reactions, rather than the feeling of anger. If we can learn to put aside our reactionary tendencies and convey our true feeling, we can have an easier time communicating it.
Although tensions may be high in the world today, there are healthy ways to communicate displeasure. Learn more about healthy ways to express yourself, the models of anger you may have received during childhood, and why we do not need to feel ashamed for feeling angry.
Quotes
• “It's possible to learn to communicate anger more skillfully.” (1:40-1:43 | Alejandra)
• “It is possible to communicate when you feel angry skillfully. And yes, it is okay to communicate while you are experiencing anger.” (2:53-3:03 | Alejandra)
• “Sometimes what we learned to call anger is not anger, but an expression of violence, aggression, or hostility.” (9:41-9:52 | Alejandra)
• “If you want to communicate anger skillfully, you need to learn to have the feeling of anger without the reaction of hostility, aggression, or violence.” (11:10-11:20 | Alejandra)
• “If you want to communicate anger skillfully, leave the reaction aside and just communicate what's going on with you on the inside.” (14:45-14:54 | Alejandra)
Links
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To download the 5 Steps to Redirect Your Reactivity Guide, visit:
languagealchemy.com/5steps
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

60. Emotional Autonomy and Healthy Relationships. Communicating Feelings Part 6

“One of the fundamental Language Alchemy principles is that our words create our worlds,” explains host Alejandra. It’s part six of the “Communicating Feelings” series and the last episode about this topic. For the final lesson, Alejandra details how to have emotional autonomy and healthy relationships.
In our relationships, we often believe that the other person is causing us to feel a certain way, whether good or bad. This attitude creates an unequal balance and gives our loved ones too much authority over our lives. By owning our emotions and labeling the situation rather than the person, we can create healthier dynamics with the people around us.
Although it may seem complicated, you can choose how to communicate your feelings and have non-toxic relationships. Learn more about what inspired the “Communicating Feelings” series, demonstrating emotional agency and dealing with co-dependent relationships.
Quotes
• “One of the fundamental Language Alchemy principles is that our words create our worlds.” (4:04-4:11| Alejandra)
• “Our language shapes our experiences, our lives, and our relationships.” (6:37-6:43| Alejandra)
• “As I shared in previous episodes of the series because we constantly have feelings, we use our language to communicate our feelings. But do we use it in a way that communicates emotional autonomy or emotional agency and therefore creates healthy and mature relationships? In my experience, not yet. The way we usually communicate about feelings in the English language does not really convey emotional autonomy or agency, and therefore, it doesn't create healthy and mature relationships. In fact, we tend to communicate feelings in a way that creates codependent relationships.” (7:09-7:51| Alejandra)
• “You can use your language to communicate your feelings in a way that that you have emotional autonomy, emotional agency and that your relationship is healthy and mature, no matter what feelings you're experiencing and communicating.” (13:30-13:47| Alejandra)
• “You are the author and agent of your feelings.” (14:01-14:05| Alejandra)
• “As you communicate your feelings, you get to choose how to express them based on the kind of relationships you want to create.” (15:49-16:02| Alejandra)
Links
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

59. Communicate Feelings Mindfully. Communicating Feelings Part 5

“Notice how you use the word “feel” when communicating because your words create your world. So what kind of world do you want to create?” explains host Alejandra. Often, we use the word “feel” to express a thought rather than an emotion. In part five of the “Communicating Feelings” series, Alejandra provides tips for using emotional language to improve self-expression and communication.
We tend to use the word “feel” when we want to express a thought, such as seeking an opinion or agreement, or disagreement from others. Instead, Alejandra suggests following the word feel with a feeling word to help ourselves and loved ones communicate our feelings more accurately.
Although challenging, there are ways to communicate your feelings mindfully and clearly. Learn more about the difference between thoughts and emotions, how to use emotional language, and ways to deepen connection with others.
Quotes
• “Notice how you use the word “feel” when communicating because your words create your world. So what kind of world do you want to create?” (6:59-7:08 | Alejandra)
• “When I use emotional language, we take the interaction to a deeper, more meaningful, more connecting level.” (9:52-10:03 | Alejandra)
• “When we let others see our inner world, others have empathy for us. They're more able to put themselves in our shoes because they've also had those same feelings at some point in their lives.” (10:22-10:35 | Alejandra)
• “When we can connect at a feeling level, we're able to talk about our needs, values, longings, and vision. And when we do that, we create a world of support, collaboration, and love.” (10:36-10:51 | Alejandra)
Links
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
To ask a question or request a topic for the Language Alchemy Podcast, visit: www.languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow:
open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

58. How Are Your Relationships Impacted When You Don’t Communicate Your Feelings? Communicating Feelings Part 4

“I find that the people who feel the most disconnected are the people who have the least access to their feelings,” explains host Alejandra. When you don’t communicate your feelings, it can negatively impact your relationships. Alejandra provides valuable tools to promote healthier dynamics in part four of her “Communicating Feelings” series.
When we feel isolated and disconnected from others, it may be challenging to open up about our true feelings. When we cannot share, it becomes difficult for our friends and family to know how to give us what we need. By letting our loved ones hear about our day and listening more when they speak, we can find a much-needed sense of belonging and become closer to the people around us.
Improving your emotional communication skills is possible if you would like to better connect to others. Learn more about the effects of the pandemic, letting loved ones into our inner world, and how to become better listeners.
Quotes
• “One of the impacts of not talking about our feelings is that others don't know what's happening with us. And if others don't know what's going on with us, then they don't know if there's anything we need or are likely to make assumptions about how we are and act accordingly.” (5:18-5:37 | Alejandra)
• “So if you are now aware that you're not communicating your feelings to others, especially if these others are the most important people in your life, then you're not letting others know about your needs. And others are likely to make assumptions about you, assumptions about your feelings, assumptions about your needs, assumptions that may be far away from your reality.” (5:39-6:06 | Alejandra)
• “I find that the people who feel the most disconnected are the people who have the least access to their feelings.” (6:41-6:49 | Alejandra)
• “If you want to have intimacy, if you want a meaningful sense of connection with another human being, then you need to be able to invite the other person into your inner experience.” (8:11-8:22 | Alejandra)
• “Sharing about your inner life, communicating your feelings, this is what contributes to meaningful relationships.” (9:44-9:51 | Alejandra)
• “What we do when we don't communicate our feelings is that we don't know how to listen to others when they tell us about their feelings.” (10:21-10:30 | Alejandra)
Links
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit:
languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow:
open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

57. 4 Common Reactions to Uncomfortable Feelings. Communicating Feelings Part 3

“From the Language Alchemy perspective, all feelings have their usefulness,” explains host Alejandra. Alejandra understands why we have specific reactions to uncomfortable feelings. In part three of her “Communicating Feelings” series, Alejandra teaches how to deal with these reactions and communicate effectively.
Everyone has certain feelings they are more comfortable expressing than others. Some have no difficulty communicating sadness but may struggle to share joy and vice versa. Often, we can feel triggered by others who experience the feeling we push down and intolerant with those around us who express that emotion. With Alejandra’s tools and tips, we can learn that all feelings are valid and become empathetic to ourselves and others.
Although challenging, we can learn to react healthily to our complex emotions. Learn more about why emotions shouldn’t be negative or positive, how we suppress uneasy feelings, and the transformative power of labeling your experience.
Quotes
• “From the Language Alchemy perspective, all feelings have their usefulness. They all carry messages about our internal experience.” (2:58-3:06 | Alejandra)
• “Every time you take action to know yourself at a deeper level, you have the opportunity to be more authentic, not only with yourself but also with others, especially when you communicate with them.” (5:37-5:50 | Alejandra)
• “When our reaction is to fight with our uncomfortable feelings, and we see that others have that feeling we don't like, then we tell the others not to have that feeling. And sometimes we shame them.” (11:35-11:50 | Alejandra)
• “The language you use to label your experience has transformative power.” (13:19-13:25 | Alejandra)
• “If you say, “I don't know how to feel this feeling, I don't know how to communicate this feeling, and I would like to learn,” then you'll start aligning your experience with the desire to feel that feeling. The more you align yourself with this desire, the less uncomfortable this feeling will become. And in time, you will learn how to communicate it skillfully.” (13:58-14:25 | Alejandra)
Links
To receive the Transformative Communication Toolkit, join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit:
languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow:
open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm