The Language Alchemy Podcast

73. Coming Out: A Journey of Bravery and Skillful Preparation

“Until you do something, sometimes you just don't know what the result will be,” explains guest Britt Bierly, Alejandra’s dear communication student, and coaching client. Coming out requires bravery and skillful preparation, no matter the circumstances. Today, Britt and Alejandra discuss the coming out communication process and growing our confidence authentically. 
When Britt came out to his parents as a trans man, he allowed them space to react, work through their feelings, and make a positive change. Now able to be himself with his family and at work, Britt can confidently exist in the world and be the leader he is meant to be. By genuinely listening to others and having conversations, Britt can connect to the people around him and make a positive difference in the workplace.
Coming out is an act of courage that requires sensitivity and space. Learn more about Britt’s coming out journey, providing room for reactions, and having the confidence to be yourself.
Quotes
• “I needed to come out as a trans man to my family. I have an awesome relationship with my partner, and they've been really supportive. And I knew that I needed to extend that out to other people. Just having that sense that you're not in complete alignment, you're living one way well in one space and another outside of that. And I just wanted to have a better relationship with my parents because, you know, hiding  doesn't work in the long run. So I was working with you to kind of come out in part because everything in my life has always been kind of connected.” (3:32-4:11 | Britt) 
• “Until you do something, sometimes you just don't know what the result will be.” (5:42-5:47 | Britt)
• “The ability to look at situations and know what I see and pull it apart as opposed to not having any idea what's going on is a big change. It helps in conversations or stressful situations. It makes a big difference if you can look at it differently and review it.” (13:00-13:22 | Britt)
• “On good days, I can verbally empathize and not just sound like I'm a robot repeating backward.” (14:10-14:17 | Britt)
• “If you're ever questioning yourself about something, just do it. Question after the fact and see how it turns out. It's probably the bigger payoff to stop with the questions and do what you need to do.” (16:54-17:04 | Britt) 
Links
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

72. The Golden Rule

“Engage in the Golden Rule by giving others the grace you want to receive,” urges host Alejandra. With the holidays almost here, Alejandra understands that we will see loved ones, which may lead to contentious communication. To ensure kinder interactions, Alejandra explores the golden rule and treating others with the empathy we all deserve.
It is much easier to give ourselves grace than it is for other people. We know when we have good intentions, but when it comes to our friends and family, we often assume the worst. As a result, Alejandra shares how to look within ourselves to combat our biases and learn to give people the benefit of the doubt. After all, we’re all human, and applying nuance can help us communicate more effectively and with more understanding.
The Golden Rule is simple: treat others how you want to be treated. Learn more about the universal desire for grace, the bias-blind spot, and how we all need understanding.
Quotes
• “We don't consider the Golden Rule. We think of ourselves as complex, nuanced, multi-dimensional beings, who almost always have good intentions, and should be given grace.” (9:13-9:27 | Alejandra)
• “We have a bias-blind spot towards others. We see others as simple, one-dimensional, clearly ill-intentioned and definitely deserving of being labeled, criticized, punished and blamed.” (9:35-9:56 | Alejandra)
• “We think of ourselves as objective and reasonable. And we think of others as biased and unreasonable. And we use this bias to judge others more negatively than we judge ourselves. And the thing is that we do this without even knowing that we have this bias. That's why Emily Pronin calls it the bias blind spot. So we want to be given grace. And we want others to give us grace easily. But when it comes to us, giving grace to others, well, we find it much harder.” (10:10-10:50 | Alejandra)
• “I encourage you to consider the Golden Rule and the bias-blind spot.” (17:07-17:12 | Alejandra)
• “Remind yourself that you are human, and then show up with the other person with a heart full of grace, because after all, they are as complex, nuanced, and most likely as well-intentioned as you are.” (17:34-17:50 | Alejandra)
• “Engage in the Golden Rule by giving others the grace you want to receive.” (18:39-18:45 | Alejandra)
Links
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

71. 3 Easy Steps to Express Gratitude and Mean It

“While gratitude is a beautiful feeling, it can be a challenge when it comes to communicating it,” explains host Alejandra. With Thanksgiving coming up, gratitude will be emphasized across the United States. Understanding that this feeling can be hard to express, Alejandra provides easy steps for communicating appreciation for your everyday life.
Often we use basic phrases to express gratitude, such as, “I’m grateful for all you do.” Although this is kind, its vagueness demonstrates our difficulty in saying how we really feel. We may find that communicating gratitude feels silly or that we struggle with vulnerability, but if we become more specific with why we’re grateful, we can foster true connection.
With Alejandra’s three easy steps, you can express to your loved ones how much they mean to you. Learn more about communicating love, why gratitude isn’t cheesy, and how to use the language of the heart.
Quotes
• “While gratitude is a beautiful feeling, it can be a challenge when it comes to communicating.” (1:51-1:57 | Alejandra)
• “If you find it hard to express gratitude, it would be useful to explore the underlying beliefs you may have about gratitude. And also, check if these beliefs are yours or if they're inherited.” (5:21-5:37 | Alejandra)
• “If you're finding it hard to experience or express gratitude, do some honest internal inquiry.” (9:02-9:10 | Alejandra)
• “The language of the heart is simple. Yet, it's more meaningful and specific. And the language of the heart leads us to an experience of true connection.” (12:32-12:44 | Alejandra)
• “Gratitude comes from the heart, and it’s a feeling connected to the feeling of love.” (17:14-17:21 | Alejandra)
Links:
To listen to episode 56: Why Is It Hard to Communicate Feelings? Communicating Feelings Part 2, visit: https://www.languagealchemy.com/podcasts/language-alchemy-podcast/episodes/2147773324
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

70. 3 Communication Self-Reflection Practices

“When we reflect on ourselves, we see some aspects of ourselves with greater clarity,” explains host Alejandra Siroka. We all have communication behaviors that prevent us from having the relationships we want. With this in mind, Alejandra shares self-reflection practices that will allow us to break these patterns and communicate more effectively overall.
With the holidays on the horizon, many of us may dread getting together with family and friends, which leaves room for challenging interactions. Before our upcoming get-togethers, Alejandra suggests looking within beforehand to evaluate our typical communication patterns with others. By reflecting upon what does and does not serve us, we can strengthen our interpersonal relationships and have positive social experiences.
With Alejandra’s communication self-reflection practices, we can find the kinds of relationships in our lives that we long for. Learn more about the best times of year for introspection, the benefits of meditation, and reflecting on our social intentions.
Quotes
• “If you'll be gathering with family and friends, engaging in communication and self-reflection is very useful before you get together.” (2:48-2:57 | Alejandra)
• “When we reflect on ourselves, we see some aspects of ourselves with greater clarity. And ideally, with compassion and kindness, or at least with neutrality.” (3:02-3:14 | Alejandra)
• “If you spend most of your time serving, witnessing, and reflecting on how others communicate with you instead of devoting the time and space to reflect on your own communication, then you're going to have a hard time because you can't control how others communicate.” (5:35-5:56 | Alejandra)
• “Be your own witness and notice your intention, but please do this with compassion and kindness, or at least with neutrality.” (12:44-12:56 | Alejandra)
• “If you make communication self-reflection a regular practice, it will transform the relationships you experience with your friends, your family, and at work.” (15:09-15:20 | Alejandra)
Links
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

69. Your Self Talk

“Once you know what you say to yourself, you get to decide whether you want to keep saying this to yourself,” explains host Alejandra. Our inner critic and self-talk affect how we view ourselves and how we interact with others. Today, Alejandra gives tips on becoming more mindful about our internal dialogue to live a more fulfilling life.
Whether we realize it or not, our self-talk influences our daily decisions, interactions, and physical body. Negative thoughts about ourselves can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies that reflect our worst fears. If we become more self-aware of how we speak to ourselves, we can alter our outlook and form authentic, positive self-expression.
How you talk about yourself affects your relationship with the world around you. Learn more about morning and night mantras, evaluating your internal dialogue, and creating positive daily rituals.
Quotes
• “The way you talk to yourself does influence your interactions with others. But it also influences your mood, your decisions, your choices, your growth, your energy, your nervous system, your digestive system, in essence, your whole life.” (3:12-3:32 | Alejandra)
• “I don't teach my communication students or clients affirmations that someone else came up with. I teach the wonderful people I support to find their authentic expression.” (7:46-7:57 | Alejandra)
• “The more you listen to your internal dialogue, the more you'll pay attention to it, the more you will notice how it affects you, how it impacts your choices, how it influences your decisions, and how it influences your life.” (9:23-9:38 | Alejandra)
• “I love talking about communication and what we experience when we communicate consciously.” (9:43-9:49 | Alejandra)
• “Once you know what you say to yourself, you get to decide whether you want to keep saying this to yourself or whether there are other messages that you would like to give yourself that would be more supportive, more loving, or more respectful of you.” (13:28-13:45| Alejandra)
Links
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

68. Having a Voice That Counts

“I knew that if I became a US citizen, my voice would count more. And I could use my voice to help other voices count,” explains host Alejandra. Over the years, Alejandra has helped many people with their communication skills, but she didn’t become a transformative communication expert overnight. Today, she shares her personal journey that shaped her and the lessons she learned along the way.
When Alejandra first moved to the United States from Argentina, she somehow felt she was turning her back on her home country and family. When she became a U.S. citizen, she realized that her heart could belong to two countries and that becoming a citizen would make her voice count more. With this in mind, Alejandra urges all her American listeners to use their voices for good and vote in the upcoming midterm elections.
What we learn from our personal experiences can lead to having a voice that counts. Learn more about Alejandra’s move to the United States, her inner conflict with becoming a U.S. citizen, and how voting is the most significant transformative communication tool.
Quotes
• “I was part of a phenomenon called brain drain, which refers to the migration of educated or professional people from one country to another.” (4:04-4:14 | Alejandra)
• “You can imagine how scared I was to become a citizen of another country. Well, I worked on this internal conflict for years. I wanted to be respectful of myself, my choices, my heart's longing, my spiritual path, and my life's journey. I also wanted to be respectful of my Argentinian family, my route, my ancestors, and my cultural background. Like many of the wonderful people I have supported over the years, when we have an internal conflict, We experience an inner split, in which one part of us wants to do one thing while another part of us wants to do something different. And unless we engage with our inner conflict with awareness, openness, maturity, and gentleness, we tend to see things as black or white and consider them as a zero-sum game.” (4:24-5:24 | Alejandra)
• “I knew that if I became a US citizen, my voice would count more. And I could use my voice to help other voices count.” (5:47-5:57 | Alejandra)
• “Through transformative communication, I have learned to have a sense of belonging to both countries.” (10:09-10:17 | Alejandra)
• "The most transformative communication tool you may have access to is to vote. When you vote, your voice counts. When you don't vote, you let others make decisions.” (10:20-10:37 | Alejandra)
• “If you are in the United States, and you do have the right, make your voice count, and vote on November eighth.” (11:44-11:53 | Alejandra)
Links
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

67. Conflict Can Be Scary

“Something scary for a lot of people when it comes to communication is conflict,” explains host Alejandra. Although challenging others may frighten us more than our favorite horror movie, conflict can help us find common ground with others. In honor of Halloween, Alejandra shares how to deal with the fear of confrontation.
Whenever we feel angry or hurt, we tell ourselves scary stories about the other person. We may feel confronting them is an act of war, leading to a never-ending fight, but conflict can be a positive. If we approach conflict like an opportunity to share our feelings with our loved ones and hear their side as well, we will no longer be afraid but be glad for the chance to deepen our relationships.
The more we face our fears, the less scary they become. Learn more about understanding our inner dialogue, why we avoid fighting, and how to use conflict to connect.
Quotes
• “Something scary for a lot of people when it comes to communication is conflict.” (1:29-1:35 | Alejandra)
• “People are scared of conflict because they equate the word conflict with “fighting.” And truthfully, this meaning of conflict is accurate.”(1:44-1:46 | Alejandra)
• “It's completely understandable that if you see conflict as a fight, or a battle, one in which you have to take a stance of a position, one in which you're going to have to fight your enemy, conflict will be scary for you.” (7:15-7:31 | Alejandra)
• “Wherever there are people, there's going to be conflict. When we can sort out these experiences to listen to one another with openness, what we find is not only our common humanity but also a deepening in our connection.” (9:18-9:37 | Alejandra)
• “Don't be afraid of conflict, be ready for it. Because wherever there are people, there's going to be a conflict, but you are the one who gets to decide how to approach it.” (12:48-13:00 | Alejandra)
Links
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

66. When Things Are Hard

“When things are hard, I learned to use observational language in my internal dialogue,” explains host Alejandra. As a transformative communication teacher, Alejandra understands that it’s human to feel triggered by challenging interactions. Instead of disconnecting from uncomfortable situations, Alejandra gives tips for when conversations become hard.
Through exploring her personal experiences, Alejandra demonstrates how common it is to have awkward or upsetting interactions. We may act angry, embarrassed, or simply want to run away. To stray away from unhelpful reactive habits, Alejandra recommends connecting to our bodies and determining what actions we want to take that align with our values.
Even when things are difficult, we should still practice mindful communication. Learn more about moving past defensive reactions, dealing with uncomfortable social situations, and the benefits of using observational language.
Quotes
• “When I faced hard things, hard interactions and conversations, not only did I not know how to communicate skillfully with a person with whom I had that difficult experience, but also, I didn't know how to not get taken over by the intensity of feelings, and stories I would make up in my mind in my internal dialogue. And then inevitably, habitually, the decision would be the same. And that decision was to disconnect, disconnect from everything from the other person and also disconnect from me by trying to do something that would offer me some kind of distraction from this difficult interaction.” (5:37-6:25 | Alejandra)
• “When things are hard, I learned to use observational language in my internal dialogue.” (9:27-9:33 | Alejandra)
• “Observational language allows me to consider the situation with clarity and neutrality. When I don't use observational language in my internal dialogue to recall what's hard, it's much easier to get hooked by reactive communication habits.” (9:59-10:17 | Alejandra)
• “The more I connect to my values, the more I can connect my capacity to show up as an adult and choose to take skillful action based on my values.” (12:28-12:42 | Alejandra)
• “Transformative communication does take work. But before we can take on all this work of transformative communication, we need to tap into a sense of openness and humility to learn.” (15:19-15:36 | Alejandra)
Links
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

65. 4 Indicators You Have a True Sense of Connection in Your Relationships

“When there's a true sense of connection in your relationships, you can offer feedback with transparency,” explains host Alejandra. Over the past few weeks, Alejandra has discussed building healthy relationship dynamics and given tools on how to do so. Today, she gives pointers for you to detect if your relationships have a genuine connection through her background as a transformative communication coach.
Through real-life examples, Alejandra demonstrates what to look for when determining if you have authentic connections with others. A relationship requires trust that you can share your feelings and thoughts without fear of an adverse reaction. Everyone needs to feel like they can be themselves, and recognizing the importance of open communication is vital to a connected relationship. Ultimately, you should feel warmth around the other person, even if an inevitable conflict arises.
Through four simple indicators, you can sense if you have a true connection in your relationships. Learn more about the importance of emotional safety, respecting other people’s communication styles, and how all connected relationships allow for transparency.
Quotes
• “In my years helping people with our communication, I've seen again and again that to have a true sense of connection in your relationships, you need to have four main indicators. Number one, there needs to be a sense of emotional safety. That is to say that you and the other person feel completely free to share with one another what you think, how you feel, and what you value. And you feel free because both of you know that you're not going to be judged by the other and that you're both going to listen to each other.” (2:17-2:56 | Alejandra)
• “There are different ways of being, and all ways of being are an expression of being human.” (5:41-5:58 | Alejandra)
• “When you have a true sense of connection, not only do you feel more connected to yourself or the other person, but also to what you are doing together.” (7:18-7:28 | Alejandra)
• “When there's a true sense of connection in your relationships, you can offer feedback with transparency. And you can also receive feedback with openness from the other person.” (10:17-10:30 | Alejandra)
• “When you have a true sense of connection, you are willing, you are open to listening to their feedback, you can reflect on what you hear, and then you can let the other person know what you concluded from your reflection.” (10:31-10:48 | Alejandra)
Links
To sign up for 6-week online course Choosing True Connection: Learning to Listen Without Losing Your Cool, Taking It Personally or Giving Up Who You Truly Are, visit: languagealchemy.com/enroll
To sign up for the free workshop Healthy Relationships at Home and Work: How to avoid the 3 most common communication mistakes, visit: languagealchemy.com/workshop
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

64. 5 Signs It’s Time to Shift your Relationship Dynamics

“When we are in a relationship, the combination of patterns that each member of their relationship brings forms a dynamic,” explains host Alejandra. When we experience difficulties in our relationships, we may be tempted to end them. Before doing something drastic, Alejandra lays out tangible tactics for improving challenging relationships.
Through various examples of her real-life students, Alejandra breaks down the five signs that your relationship dynamics need to change. It’s common to believe that you give more to a relationship than others or struggle to engage. Instead of blaming the people around you, evaluate how you are showing up in that relationship. In doing so, learning to cultivate the relationships you deserve is possible.
It may not be easy, but sometimes shifting your relationships is necessary. Learn more about detecting unhealthy communication patterns, ways to connect with others, and how to improve your internal dialogue.
Quotes
• “When we are in a relationship, the combination of patterns that each member of their relationship brings forms a dynamic.” (3:30-3:30 | Alejandra)
• “You must look into why you avoid engaging with the other person. Most likely, what you will find is that there's something in your relationship dynamic that needs to change.” (6:37-6:51 | Alejandra)
• “If you notice that you don't know how to connect with others, and therefore you think that you don't know how to belong, that is a sign that you need to shift the kinds of dynamics you have in your relationships.” (8:20-8:35 | Alejandra)
• “We're talking shifting a relationship dynamic. And to do that, you must clarify how you are showing up in the relationship. Because if you don't know how you are showing up, you will not know how to shift your communication or behavior and have the kind of satisfying relationships you deserve.” (14:05-14:30 | Alejandra)
Links
To sign up for the free workshop Healthy Relationships at Home and Work: How to avoid the 3 most common communication mistakes, visit: languagealchemy.com/workshop
To take the What's Your Most Self-sabotaging Communication Habit quiz, visit: languagealchemy.com/quiz
To ask a question or request a topic, visit: languagealchemy.com/podcastquestion
To join the mailing list, and view show notes, visit: languagealchemy.com
Podcast Music composed by Gary Lapow: open.spotify.com/artist/1HlMhcNfKIELxYil5mVqDI
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm